This is prolly the first and last I time I will write about something that was found but now is lost.

***

This may not be known tonight nor forever but all I did was to protect myself from something that is more painful that what I see and feel now. Since then, every thing is so unclear. No matter how much I try to see things clearly, it hasn’t been. It was too difficult to see the right path at first, but then a light came upon me that made me see things clear but not wat I wanted to see. Yes, it was hurting. But aren’t the clearest and most honest ones are the most painful?

So I had no choice but to stay away. First, to give way to something (I think) greater and second, to something that has always been the priority.

I wasn’t so easy at first. I violated my own principles because yes, now is not what I wanted. I just want peace and calm that I felt from the very first. 

But after tonight, I knew this has to stop. So I’m finally choosing to stay away from all the pain and happiness as well.
Taking a distance from everything doesn’t mean I am not brave enough to face it all. I think dealing with all these like it isn’t affecting me at all is one of the bravest things I did. But maybe, life has given me so many reasons to wake up and realize where I stand and where I belong.

I knew from then that sometimes, people choose to do things not because they want to, but because there’s nothing left to do that they had to. 

Yes, Tonight, I had a deeper understanding of how and why. It was bittersweet.

Thank you for all the memories.

Until then.

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Posted: February 24, 2016 in Uncategorized

I dreamed of a person last night from 11 yrs ago. It was so clear but I don’t know what it means. If it happens years from now, can you remind again? 

Day 6

Posted: February 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

Dearest Kurti, 

How are you anak? Are you enjoying your playground? Does your tongue spreads out of too much run and play with the others? I hope you’re happy wherever you are. 

Mommy’s getting better every day. I’m missing you even more but I can handle it now comparing to the other days. Tho I wish I could still cuddle you in my arms like I used to. I just look and laugh at your cute yet silly videos. 

I love you, Kurti. A lot of people really miss you now. But one day, we’ll see each other again and do everything like we used to. Just enjoy your playtime with lolo and lola. Visit me in my dreams. We miss you. 🐶

All about Kurt…

Posted: February 7, 2016 in Uncategorized

  
  

   
 

Day 3 of Grief…

Posted: February 7, 2016 in Uncategorized

My dearest Kurti, 

How are you, anak? Your daddy and mommy misses you everyday. My heart is still hurting for your loss but I can gradually control my emotions now. Daddy said he can’t sleep because he misses skype date with us. I can’t help the feeling that I deprived him from the opportunity to spoil you. 

I’m sorry anak, I wasn’t able to take care of you the best way I can. 

Now, I’m somehow learning to accept that you’re already in heaven. Daddy said you’re already enjoying to play in a vast garden with lolo and lola and that you are now our angel watching over us. 

I love you sweetheart. 🐶

Day 2 of Grief…

Posted: February 6, 2016 in Uncategorized

My dearest Kurti, 

Good morning. I thought I won’t be able to sleep, but I did. I was waiting for you in my dreams but you didn’t show up. Did you know daddy was sad because he wasn’t able to touch and play with you? He was envious of someone from the mall carrying a little pup who looks like you. I knew from there he wants to carry you in his arms. Mommy misses you, anak, so much like your daddy does. We were talking about you all day. Daddy (and some of your titos, titas, godparents and grandparents) said that I should smile now because you’re in a happy place, that you’re now with your lolo and lola.  I want to be happy for you anak cos you’ve finally rested and won’t be feeling any pain anymore, but I couldn’t help feeling sad that you already left mommy. Would you hate me if I’m being selfish that I still pray you’re with me now? 

I can’t help but blame myself for not doing everything I could for you. Everyday, there is what could have been, but I know I can’t bring the past anymore. Hope you can forgive mommy.

Tito said there may be some reasons why you left, maybe you’re protecting me from something so that leaving won’t push through. For whatever it is anak, thank you. I may have not understood yet all, but thank you for loving mommy that much. 

I miss you, my little munchkin. I can still see you from everywhere. It was the first morning I expect you to come jump and kiss me, but there’s none. 

I love you with all of hearts. Daddy said you may be gone, but you are not forgotten. You will always be my jolly, sweet, vain, spoiled but not bratt baby boy and my bundle of joy. No one can replace you in mommy’s heart. 🐶

An Open Letter to my Kurt…

Posted: February 5, 2016 in Uncategorized

Mar. 5, 2016
My dearest Kurt, 
From the very first time I saw you on the video your daddy sent me, I knew I was ready to give you the world. I was so excited to see you, to hug you, to play with you and to give you all the love I have. I never felt scared of taking care of you when I actually thought I have fear if I will be able to be a great mom for you. But the moment I laid my eyes on you, (it was my birthday), I never thought I will love you deeper than I could ever imagine. You were the best gift that God and your daddy gave to me. You took away all my fears and turn me to person I never thought I was. You were not just my stress reliever, you are my happiness. I was so possessive of you that I never want others to get your attention so I wanted to do every thing to make you closer to me. You had this something in you that made me feel so secure. You don’t go anywhere without me, cry when you can’t see me, and just be there beside me in every thing that I do. You were so clingy which I actually like about you. You gave me the assurance that tells me, “Mommy, I’m only yours.” without putting to much effort. In just a short span of time, we had this special bond that even I couldn’t explain to anyone but only the two of us could understand.
But it’s not always rainbows and butterflies. Life had become so cruel that I had to make a decision that led you far away from me. I can’t bear the fact that I won’t be seeing you every day and take care of you like I always do. It was never what I wanted but it’s the only way I can do to protect you. But despite all the difficulties that life has been giving us, you did not give up on mommy. You were even more cheerful and excited to see me when I visit you. You even wanted to break your little home just so you can come near me and kiss me. Sweetheart, it breaks my heart to leave you every day, but you still manage to understand. You never snob me despite of me unintentionally hurting you. You gave me the unconditional love I never expected you could give me too.
But life never stops giving us challenges. I never wanted to be far away from you so I decided to be with you. I love you too much that I took a stand for you from everyone else, something I never imagined I can do. People questioned me, what is it with you that I can make such big decisions in just a snap? Even I don’t understand why, but at that moment, I knew I’m ready to make grown up decisions and there’s no turning back.
At first, I never thought it was what I really wanted. Honestly, I had second thoughts. I don’t know if I can pull it off, I had no assurance if I can really do it all, that we won’t get hurt once more and that I won’t be able to sacrifice other things with our future kind of setup at the same time. It was hard. But every time I imagine the two of us being together, I get so excited. And that moment I felt the love every one has for you, I knew it was the right thing to do and I was ready to give you the world and the love you deserve.
But mommy’s never perfect. Despite me thinking I was perfect for you, sometimes, life tells me I’m not. Mommy has lapses that lead to hurting you and I’m sorry for that. I never wanted you you to get hurt. If only I could protect you 24/7, I would, but I couldn’t. 
But at times, I feel your love is greater than mine. Despite my insufficiency, you still do something to make life easier for me. But I never asked you to do so. We were almost there anak, but you choose to leave me without me understanding the reason why. Why now, when were almost there? Do you think it would be easier this way? NO. Because mommy’s hurting so much right now. Why did you leave me so soon when you’re one of the reasons why I am holding on? . If you’re thinking that it would be difficult for me, no. I can take it all for you. 
I hate you for deciding for us. For not waiting for me. For not letting me make things right for us. For hurting me this way. And I hate myself for allowing all these to happen. 
I thought my unconditional love for you is enough but it wasn’t. I’m sorry, Kurti, for not being there on your hardest times. For only focusing on your happiness and not on your pain. 
I miss you now. And many times I wish this was all just a dream. I wish you’d wake me up with morning kisses, or put you to sleep. But now you’re gone. Others say it’s okay, and I shouldn’t be sad because you’ll never be happy if you see me hurting and crying. But, I’m sorry anak, I wasn’t a good mom enough for you. But I can’t let you go. Not yet, not now. I don’t know how to get through this. Hindi ko pa kaya. 
But I love you, Kurti, with all mommy’s heart and more than the love anyone could ever give you. I hope you know that as you run free. 🐶

  

BABALA: MAGULO ANG SEQUENCE.

I never thought I will feel offended, rant and cry over some sick stupid joke by some insensitive people today.

But before I continue, I just want to say that what I’m about to write doesn’t totally define who I really am. This is just a result of being in a roller coaster of emotions, feeling of the offended and yeah, PMS-ing. WANT TO RANT, because I wanna feel better. BIAS to.So, NO JUDGING.

I don’t want to tell you the details of what happened just before I leave the office. But I tell you, what happened earlier was over the limit. BUT, If you are one of those who already know the exact story, you may take my side because you really believe that it was really offensive or you many not and think that I was just being too emotional, immature or whatever.

Let me get this straight. You see, you always put a competition to the story even if the characters don’t want to. Who wanted this kind of set up? Did I chose this? Did I decided for eveyone to be like this? NO. Because even before we knew, it was already the plan! Kung bitter ka sa pupuntaha mo, wag mo kong idamay! To the point na ipapahiya mo ko sa harap pa ng taong kabolahan mo! You may say it was just a joke, but they way you said it in front of us, I knew you meant something.

I get italready, okay? Even before this thing happened. Pero hindi mo na kailangan ipamukha sakin na ikaw yung gusto, na ikaw yung paborito! it wasn’t a big deal to me the way she appreciates you, pero was that joke necessary? Hindi naman ako nakikisawsaw eh. What do you want? what do you need to hear pa? What do you me to feel? Na they will regret the fact that they will lose you over me? Na importante ka at kahit anong gawin ko, I will never replace you in their lives. WELL, FINE! Oo na! Ikaw na! Walang umaagaw sa kanya!

PRESSURE. Hindi pa nga nangyayari at wala pa akong napapatunayan o nagagawa pero parang talo na kagad na ko. Like There was no place for me.

Kung pwede lang kumontra sa lahat ng decisions na nangyayari, matagal ko nang ginawa. But like I said, that was the plan.

STRIKE 2 ka na sa pagka-insensitive mo eh.

I’m fucking tired of this feeling of competition. All my life I have always been trying to prove myself to everyone. Bata pa lang and until now, I am still doing the same. That I need to be best in school because I was with the best students. That I need to join the council just to get noticed.That I can finish college clean even if I’m was in a relationship when everyone predicts you cannot. That I can do household chores when I really can do but other say I can’t do or don’t know how.

I am easily discouraged.
I’m trying. But when I fail, I stop.
That’s who I am.

No one believes in me.
Because for them, what I did was not enough.
So para sakin, what’s the point of trying again?
Eh yung napatunayan mo na na, pero wala paring tiwala sayo.
Suicidal alng diba?

Tao lang ako, hindi ako perpekto.

Nakakapagod din.

Oo, iisang anak nga ako. Pero yung pakiramdam ko parang may isang dosena akong kapatid na kailangan laging maging bestpara lang mapansin at maging paborito ng magulang.

Tapos eto, you always put a competition to everything. I NEVER WANT TO COMPETE. But it seems like you always bring it to the table.

Why can’t I just be accepted for who I am? For what I can only do? For what I’m not good at?

I just want piece. I just want to work without unhealthy pressure inside my head.
Yun lang naman eh.

Pero that’s life. Bukod sa life is unfair eh, you can’t please everybody.

Tinatamad na ko. Kasi medyo nalabas ko na kanina. Pero siguro kung kanina ko nasulat mo, baka medyo mas maintindihan nyo.

Kbye.

August Stress Week

Posted: August 9, 2013 in work
  • It’s been a while since I rant about something. I’ve been busy with stuffs lately most especially about work and so on. Since I’m waiting for hair to dry and tomorrow’s a holiday, I have this urge to write about something because I’m really pissed but inspire tonight.

    To give you a background to start of, we have different departments in Toshiba.

    EQA (Quality Assurance) – handles customers, audit and all quality related
    EME (Manufacturing Engineering) – handles new models, process experts, evaluations, and the like.
    EPP (Production Planning) – planning and shipping
    EPE (Production Engineering) – capacity & manpower planning, design, setup, improvements

    The stated departments are considered as Support group of the department below:

    EMD (Manufacturing Department) – handles operations and a touch of all of the above, but in ACTUAL.

    At least, that was what we’ve understood ever since.

    I am a WIE under Enterprise Manufacturing Department in Toshiba. For most people who do not know what I do, I am considered as an Industrial Engineer of Allegro Workshop wherein we conduct testing until shipping to the customers. My job is to perform anything related to operations, instructions, process, planning, cycle time, capacity, manpower, manhour, quality, setup and most especially, improvements. The bottom line is, I, with my fellow WIEs, are in charge of anything and almost everything.

    Why am I saying this? Why am I giving you a background?

    Read the rest of this entry »

  • RANT.

    Posted: September 1, 2012 in Random
    Tags: , ,

    Hey, just so you know. I’m getting tired of this, of you. SRSLY, you’re losing all of my patience. Kung di mo kayang panindigan yung pinasukan mo, ‘wag mo nang ituloy. Napaka-inconsistent lang ng performance mo. This is just gonna be a waste of time. KBAI.