The Life between Life and Death

Posted: March 25, 2012 in OPRE
The past weeks of my life as a college student was completely nerve-racking. My graduation is in jeopardy. All because of a major subject that puts me into a life and death situation.

I have already dealt with this subject last year. I failed this subject once because I didn’t got the target grade. My midterm grade last year pulled all the grades that I’ve earned during preliminaries. And during finals, I wasn’t able to make it and earn for the lost points. Yes, that was the most awful thing that has ever happened in my entire college life. I even asked my professor if I could do a special project just to get extra points. But all she said was, “You could take it next year. Madami ka namang kasama.” I cried hard after I learned that I can’t do anything to pass the subject and simply take it again next year. I cried for days because I  cannot just accept it. Taking the subject is a complete stress! It was like, “Ibagsak mo na kahit anong subject wag lang OPRE. Nakakapagod na, nakaka-stress pa.” The hard work I put through it was worthless and that I have to go over those, again. But I had no choice. I accepted it.

I had the hope that it will be opened for summer so I could focus on that subject only. But the Operations Research II, the subject by the way, is only offered on 2nd semester. So I waited for a year and prepared myself to deal with the stress again.

Second semester has come and I thought I would be able to do well. I was happy that the seatworks and quizzes we had last year were all the same. I was pretty confident that I could perfect them and earn a lot of points so that I won’t struggle for the two remaining periods. But I was wrong. I wasn’t careless with how the way I computed on our first quiz. But I got 120 instead of 110 which is the right answer. I hate myself because I had the same mistake last year! I ask myself why is this happening to me. Nevertheless, that didn’t got me really disappointed. 

We had the following quiz the time we had a seminar. We asked our professor if we could take the exam the following week and she said yes. After the seminar, we learned that the others were not able to finish the exam for three hours and that they will finish the exam the following week. The day of exam, we were only given three hours to finish it. It was so unfair! No one could finish the quiz only for three hours! The grading system for every quiz was only 0 or 100. And that, I understood, I’m going to fail this quiz. 

I thought I could at least earn grades from my prelim exam. But then again, I was not able to. So I flanked my prelim, and so as midterms again. Don’t ask my prelim grade but I was 59 by midterm. I was about to lose hope because my target grade for finals is 85. You do the math. But who could ever get as high as that? I missed 1 out of 2 quizzes on finals because of my carelessness, we got an unlimited score for defense which 20%, btw, got only 1 out of 2 required signatory for our company study and I had  a situation in my family that I missed some of the events required to us. Obviously, I’m losing it. I felt so unlucky. All my hopes were those extra points from my 1000 survey with Markov Analysis computation, hand written compilation of lectures to period exams, t-shirts and activities of JPIIE and the kindness of my professor.

I am between life and death. This is the last critical subject that I’m dealing with. This will be the basis of my graduation. 

I couldn’t bear the thought of not graduating. I couldn’t sleep well for nights. My heart pounded as if I’m gonna have a heart attack. My headaches were extremely painful as if I have a tumor. I had high blood pressure. I couldn’t eat and laugh like I  really am happy even if I’m trying to. I cried for nights. I pray continuously for days, every hour, every time I feel nervous. I’m losing hope. I couldn’t not graduate only because of this, I said to myself. The waiting was painful and nerve-racking. I was in complete agony. I’m waiting for something that I wasn’t sure of yet I’m holding on. 

The words of Nicholas Sparks struck me as I read tweets from my timeline. 

“It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee.”

I cried hard once again coz it’s true. Only the possibility of passing the subject is my only hope, not a guarantee.

The judgement day has come. I was on my way to school when I couldn’t hold back my tears. It’s shameful, I know. But I can’t help it. I was riding the jeepney when I wipe my tears. I wanted to graduate so much. I don’t wanna waste another semester just because of some stupid carelessness. I prayed hard to God asking him from time to time to allow me to graduate. I even asked the help of my parents wherever they may be that if they could  ask God to grant my wish for me. This is not for me only, it’s also for my family. I wanted to work for my own coz I have no one to depend on. 

The pain of waiting increases as my professor still doesn’t release our grades. Good thing my bestfriend was there. I asked her to accompany me to the chapel and attend the mass. There were text messages from my uncle, cousins, friends saying if I was able to make it and march on April. I didn’t know what to reply so I ignored the texts. Still, I couldn’t hold my tears for I feel that I wouldn’t be able to make it. But I’m still keeping my faith that somehow, God will hear my prayers.

After the mass, I immediately checked my phone. There were two text messages from one of my buddies who’s also in my situation and a friend who was in the faculty room. I was surprised to see that those messages were, “CONGRATULATIONS, TINE!” “PASADO TAYO! WAHAHAHA!” I was like, OH MY GOODNESS! It was really a miracle! I was totally shaking and got teary-eyed and I immediately replied to them that I got it. I went to the faculty room and all of my classmates told me that we all passed the subject. I couldn’t help it but I shouted out of joy.

I’ve never been happier! Five years has been tough, but I made it! God answered my prayers. He was my refuge and was so good to me. All these I offer to you, Lord. I wish my mom and dad was here so I could tell them personally how happy I am.

Nevertheless, I can now finally say that I’ve made my parents proud. Mama and Papa, I made it! This is for you, two. I love you!

Thank you, Lord! O-prey works! 🙂

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