Lack of Wisdom

Posted: June 7, 2012 in Random

My life right now is like a personality test. There are questions that are a lot of best answers that suits me best and yet, there are also questions with no answers that could fit me at all. Indeed, life is confusing. And right now, I’m even more confused on how to start this blog. Mind you, readers. This is a pre-employment related post. So, let’s just see where this goes.

For 21 years, I’ve never made a firm decision on my own. Of course, it is normal for us to be dependent to our parents until highschool, but in college? NO. I have never decided for myself, demand what I want and say no to anything. I can’t even make the simplest decisions such as what or where to eat or go. My closest friends know this. I lived my whole life having someone decide for my own. That is why in these times where big decision making must be done, I am struggling in this whole confusion. And I’m telling you, it’s mind-boggling.

Going to DLSU-Dasmarinas was never my choice. I never even imagined sending my college application to this school until my family told me to do so. And yes, my family decided it for me. Since my mom died and though I’m still with my father, I was under the custody of my uncles as a respect to my mom’s request. But that’s not the issue. Anyway, since I’m undecided about school and everything, I followed their decision.

But that’s not the end of it. I had a hard choosing which course to take. Everyone knows how I love Interior Designing. But I, myself, had second thoughts about it because uhm, let’s just say there is no “better” future in it. So, that’s out of the choices. I had this interest in Nursing and Medical Technology but not that much. I was just influenced by some people. But I didn’t go through it because, again, of my family negative comments in the said course. Again, out of the choice. Well, Tourism, was once my choice too and pretty much eager to pursue it. But because of my “defects”, surely, I won’t “pass” the requirements. Out of the choices once again. Until I ended up with Accountancy and Industrial Engineering. I was very decided at first to take Accountancy. But consulting my family first is part of the scheme. When we learnt that Accountancy is also a 5-year course during our time, my uncle discouraged me to take it and choose Industrial Engineering instead. And without second thoughts, I took the latter. Blessed by the good heavens, I was able to survive, graduate and earn my Bachelor’s Degree in Industrial Engineering at DLSU – Dasma. All decisions made by my family.

The moment that I was considered as officially unemployed was also the time that I was very eager to send applications to any companies I encountered on Jobstreet – whether the job is course related or not. To make the story short, I almost took a job in Makati but because of different circumstances, I decided not to. I didn’t want to at first since it’s not really what I want. But of course that involves my family’s insights and advice. They were right. If I took the job, talo ako. Though I had few regrets after taking down the job. It felt like there were no more opportunities to come after me.

Months have passed and all I did was taking different sets of exams and did lots of interview. But up to this date, I ashamed to say this, but I am still officially unemployed.

I sometimes ask myself, “Am I that stupid to not to be able to get a job?” or “Am I less of a person?”. Clearly, I’m starting to get insecure. I am very envious of my other friends or even though whom you can’t imagine to be having a job. I sometimes hate myself because I was very persevering to apply for work yet others who are not as much (I think) are the ones who get the job.

No one’s been pressuring me verbally but I know there is – whether it’s me pressuring myself or through my family’s actions. It’s literally killing me from the inside and out. It felt like it’s already part of my daily routine but nothing happens. People get tired, too, you know? And all I could think of is my family supporting me. But every day, hearing the words, “Kamusta interview?” “Interview ulit?” “Malayo jan.” “Mababa magpasweldo dyan.” “Anong company ba yan?” “Anong balita dun sa (name of a prestigious company)?” “Wag ka na dyan.” “Wala na bang iba?” “Maghintay ka na lang ulit.” daaaamn! I’m sick of it. It’s like, ano bang gusto nyo? Magkatrabaho ako? Pero pag may offer, ang daming side comments? Hindi ko tuloy alam kung anong pipiliin ko eh. Gaaad, I wish I could say those words. But having this personality of keeping things inside of me? NAH, IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I will just keep nodding to what they say just to satisfy them and not disappoint them. You will never see me arguing no matter how much others tell me to speak my mind.

I don’t hate them for doing such things. Neither do I post this to make you readers feel bad about them. No, they’re not worst people in my life. Actually, they’re the best. I owe everything to them and I am thankful for everything that they do. I believe that all they want is what’s best for me. I’M JUST CONFUSED. All I want is to please them so they could be proud of me. But at that case, I don’t how to make decisions without their permission. I lived this kind of life – not being able to stand on my own – and I guess I will forever be. I’m scared of taking risks, because I’m sick of hearing side comments. I don’t know which path to take without them guiding me. Yes, I admit. I am such a coward. But can you blame all of these to me?

On a positive note, this confusion brought me back closer to God. Every night, I pray to Him for wisdom and peace of mind. And little by little, He’s answering me through signs that I am praying for. He definitely works in mysterious ways. I learned only to trust God and no one else – not even myself. It may be a little bit confusing right now and every thing is still unclear, but I know through His guidance, He will lead me through the right decision.

Lord, thank You for not letting me down. I will forever be grateful for the simple things You’re doing for me (especially today. I trust Your plans, Lord. Let Your Will be done! 🙂

  1. Emer says:

    I love you babe! Kaya mo yan,im always here for you :)) (Kahit,wala ko naitulong) haha.jk. Trust him, di ka nya pababayaan .

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