An Open Letter to my Kurt…

Posted: February 5, 2016 in Uncategorized

Mar. 5, 2016
My dearest Kurt, 
From the very first time I saw you on the video your daddy sent me, I knew I was ready to give you the world. I was so excited to see you, to hug you, to play with you and to give you all the love I have. I never felt scared of taking care of you when I actually thought I have fear if I will be able to be a great mom for you. But the moment I laid my eyes on you, (it was my birthday), I never thought I will love you deeper than I could ever imagine. You were the best gift that God and your daddy gave to me. You took away all my fears and turn me to person I never thought I was. You were not just my stress reliever, you are my happiness. I was so possessive of you that I never want others to get your attention so I wanted to do every thing to make you closer to me. You had this something in you that made me feel so secure. You don’t go anywhere without me, cry when you can’t see me, and just be there beside me in every thing that I do. You were so clingy which I actually like about you. You gave me the assurance that tells me, “Mommy, I’m only yours.” without putting to much effort. In just a short span of time, we had this special bond that even I couldn’t explain to anyone but only the two of us could understand.
But it’s not always rainbows and butterflies. Life had become so cruel that I had to make a decision that led you far away from me. I can’t bear the fact that I won’t be seeing you every day and take care of you like I always do. It was never what I wanted but it’s the only way I can do to protect you. But despite all the difficulties that life has been giving us, you did not give up on mommy. You were even more cheerful and excited to see me when I visit you. You even wanted to break your little home just so you can come near me and kiss me. Sweetheart, it breaks my heart to leave you every day, but you still manage to understand. You never snob me despite of me unintentionally hurting you. You gave me the unconditional love I never expected you could give me too.
But life never stops giving us challenges. I never wanted to be far away from you so I decided to be with you. I love you too much that I took a stand for you from everyone else, something I never imagined I can do. People questioned me, what is it with you that I can make such big decisions in just a snap? Even I don’t understand why, but at that moment, I knew I’m ready to make grown up decisions and there’s no turning back.
At first, I never thought it was what I really wanted. Honestly, I had second thoughts. I don’t know if I can pull it off, I had no assurance if I can really do it all, that we won’t get hurt once more and that I won’t be able to sacrifice other things with our future kind of setup at the same time. It was hard. But every time I imagine the two of us being together, I get so excited. And that moment I felt the love every one has for you, I knew it was the right thing to do and I was ready to give you the world and the love you deserve.
But mommy’s never perfect. Despite me thinking I was perfect for you, sometimes, life tells me I’m not. Mommy has lapses that lead to hurting you and I’m sorry for that. I never wanted you you to get hurt. If only I could protect you 24/7, I would, but I couldn’t. 
But at times, I feel your love is greater than mine. Despite my insufficiency, you still do something to make life easier for me. But I never asked you to do so. We were almost there anak, but you choose to leave me without me understanding the reason why. Why now, when were almost there? Do you think it would be easier this way? NO. Because mommy’s hurting so much right now. Why did you leave me so soon when you’re one of the reasons why I am holding on? . If you’re thinking that it would be difficult for me, no. I can take it all for you. 
I hate you for deciding for us. For not waiting for me. For not letting me make things right for us. For hurting me this way. And I hate myself for allowing all these to happen. 
I thought my unconditional love for you is enough but it wasn’t. I’m sorry, Kurti, for not being there on your hardest times. For only focusing on your happiness and not on your pain. 
I miss you now. And many times I wish this was all just a dream. I wish you’d wake me up with morning kisses, or put you to sleep. But now you’re gone. Others say it’s okay, and I shouldn’t be sad because you’ll never be happy if you see me hurting and crying. But, I’m sorry anak, I wasn’t a good mom enough for you. But I can’t let you go. Not yet, not now. I don’t know how to get through this. Hindi ko pa kaya. 
But I love you, Kurti, with all mommy’s heart and more than the love anyone could ever give you. I hope you know that as you run free. 🐶



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