Posts Tagged ‘Personal’

BABALA: MAGULO ANG SEQUENCE.

I never thought I will feel offended, rant and cry over some sick stupid joke by some insensitive people today.

But before I continue, I just want to say that what I’m about to write doesn’t totally define who I really am. This is just a result of being in a roller coaster of emotions, feeling of the offended and yeah, PMS-ing. WANT TO RANT, because I wanna feel better. BIAS to.So, NO JUDGING.

I don’t want to tell you the details of what happened just before I leave the office. But I tell you, what happened earlier was over the limit. BUT, If you are one of those who already know the exact story, you may take my side because you really believe that it was really offensive or you many not and think that I was just being too emotional, immature or whatever.

Let me get this straight. You see, you always put a competition to the story even if the characters don’t want to. Who wanted this kind of set up? Did I chose this? Did I decided for eveyone to be like this? NO. Because even before we knew, it was already the plan! Kung bitter ka sa pupuntaha mo, wag mo kong idamay! To the point na ipapahiya mo ko sa harap pa ng taong kabolahan mo! You may say it was just a joke, but they way you said it in front of us, I knew you meant something.

I get italready, okay? Even before this thing happened. Pero hindi mo na kailangan ipamukha sakin na ikaw yung gusto, na ikaw yung paborito! it wasn’t a big deal to me the way she appreciates you, pero was that joke necessary? Hindi naman ako nakikisawsaw eh. What do you want? what do you need to hear pa? What do you me to feel? Na they will regret the fact that they will lose you over me? Na importante ka at kahit anong gawin ko, I will never replace you in their lives. WELL, FINE! Oo na! Ikaw na! Walang umaagaw sa kanya!

PRESSURE. Hindi pa nga nangyayari at wala pa akong napapatunayan o nagagawa pero parang talo na kagad na ko. Like There was no place for me.

Kung pwede lang kumontra sa lahat ng decisions na nangyayari, matagal ko nang ginawa. But like I said, that was the plan.

STRIKE 2 ka na sa pagka-insensitive mo eh.

I’m fucking tired of this feeling of competition. All my life I have always been trying to prove myself to everyone. Bata pa lang and until now, I am still doing the same. That I need to be best in school because I was with the best students. That I need to join the council just to get noticed.That I can finish college clean even if I’m was in a relationship when everyone predicts you cannot. That I can do household chores when I really can do but other say I can’t do or don’t know how.

I am easily discouraged.
I’m trying. But when I fail, I stop.
That’s who I am.

No one believes in me.
Because for them, what I did was not enough.
So para sakin, what’s the point of trying again?
Eh yung napatunayan mo na na, pero wala paring tiwala sayo.
Suicidal alng diba?

Tao lang ako, hindi ako perpekto.

Nakakapagod din.

Oo, iisang anak nga ako. Pero yung pakiramdam ko parang may isang dosena akong kapatid na kailangan laging maging bestpara lang mapansin at maging paborito ng magulang.

Tapos eto, you always put a competition to everything. I NEVER WANT TO COMPETE. But it seems like you always bring it to the table.

Why can’t I just be accepted for who I am? For what I can only do? For what I’m not good at?

I just want piece. I just want to work without unhealthy pressure inside my head.
Yun lang naman eh.

Pero that’s life. Bukod sa life is unfair eh, you can’t please everybody.

Tinatamad na ko. Kasi medyo nalabas ko na kanina. Pero siguro kung kanina ko nasulat mo, baka medyo mas maintindihan nyo.

Kbye.

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RANT.

Posted: September 1, 2012 in Random
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Hey, just so you know. I’m getting tired of this, of you. SRSLY, you’re losing all of my patience. Kung di mo kayang panindigan yung pinasukan mo, ‘wag mo nang ituloy. Napaka-inconsistent lang ng performance mo. This is just gonna be a waste of time. KBAI.

Abnormality

Posted: August 28, 2012 in Random
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I talk a lot. I do. Especially nowadays.

But I guess that’s the effect of listening to your friends’ stories, you giving advice to heartbroken people and not being able to talk to anyone for the whole day. 

I share every thing I’ve learned, heard and realized even if they’re not about me. 

And now I am alarmed. Everyone’s been asking me if I was okay, or if there’s something wrong. Thank you for the concerns. But yes, I’m okay. I’m perfectly okay. 🙂 I may be stressed at times but that is nothing to be serious about. Of course, everyone struggles because of some difficulties in life. But that’s not for you to know. But I assure you, I’m super okay.

I just got carried away by everyone’s stories to the point that I feel for them too much. Plus the fact of my overwhelming work, family issues and no social life. That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less. 🙂

Lesson: KEEP YOUR PRIVACY. Don’t share too much. Nami-misinterpret. 😉

Manhole?

Posted: August 25, 2012 in Random
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Last night, I couldn’t help but cry even if I enjoyed the day so much. All the things that upset me went together – work, home, etc. Physical and emotional torture at its extremes.

Masakit eh. Ngayon ko na nararamdaman. At eto ako, hindi makawala. Eto na yung sinasabi nila.

Why do we always want what we can’t have? Am I not good enough to deserve it? To deserve you?

 

*le sigh

An open letter to God.

Posted: August 21, 2012 in Random
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Lord, I need wisdom.

I am praying for the same thing and same reasons that I prayed for years ago. I’m into this kind of situation again and just like before, my mind’s going crazy. I still don’t know how to decide for myself. It’s a battle between my mind and my heart once again and yes, I admit, I am blinded by what I feel.

I am so scared of making choices, of making decisions which I am not so sure of. I never want to make any regret. But of course, it’s impossible. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes all over again. But as to what I see now, I am drawn into something that I want and then I don’t.

 

I don’t know why this is all happening or what your plans are for me. But if it’s Your Will, I’ll follow. Help me make the right choices, Lord. I know you only want what’s best for me. Just let me know which path to take. 

Thank you, Lord. I love you. 🙂

Trust me, I tried not to go online and blog about me being so psyched about tomorrow. But I promise to logout as soon as I finish sharing you what I’ve been through for the past few days. Iintayin ko lang din matuyo yung buhok ko. Hehe.

Pardon the taglish. I have to make this story fast. Cut off: 10 pm.

So my last week was up and down. After long weeks of waiting, I was officially offered with a job from Toshiba which I definitely want from the very start. Everyone knew how happy I was especially with the job offer. But of course, hindi naman lahat smooth, diba? For those who do not know the story yet, here’s what happened.

Saturday, I had my medical checkup at a clinic in Sta. Rosa, Laguna – a clinic accredited by the company. I had my initial check-up, eye/breast exam, urine/stool test, blood extactions, physical examination and x-ray. I thought everything went well until I had my x-ray. When I was inside the room and was positioned for the x-ray, I had this feeling that something’s wrong. Hindi ako komportable sa position ko, masyadong mataas. Tapos hindi pa ako nakakahinga ng malalim, na x-ray na agad ako. I knew by that time that the x-ray I had was not the usual x-rays I did before. Parang minadali, binasta. Pero syempre, patay malisya naman ako. Ano bang malay ko dun, di naman ako radiologist.

(more…)

“Good things come to those who wait.” are the words that best describe right now. After three months (exactly) of online applications, walk-in, deadly exams and interviews, follow-ups and waiting, I’ve finally found and (can say) officially have what I’ve been waiting for the moment I graduated – WORK.

The searching for a job that you wanted and everyone wanted was never easy. I already started applying days before my graduation and did the same for over three months. And I tell you, it was never easy. There were moments when you’re anxious if there will be any company interested in you; when you felt you did good and you thought you’ve got it (the job) but ended up the other way around; when you ask yourself if you were less of a person – not smarter or confident enough; when you uncontrollably feel jealous of your friend because she got the job you wanted and you don’t; when you feel stupid because you think you chose a better company but later on fooled yourself, ended up disappointed; when you’re filled with regrets and you started to lose hope leading you to your lost of interest in re-applying; when you’re confused which company to choose because you wanted the other one but your family doesn’t want it; when you feel so f*cked up because almost all your friends already got a job and you don’t and you even get to that point when you claim yourself as the unluckiest person on Earth. (Even convinced yourself  that you have balat sa pwet for that – which you don’t.)

(more…)

It started with a small confrontation about something we’re both shocked. Until it led into tons of untold stories – from how-are-yous to celebs, school, acads, profs, friends, pets, work, series, movies, downloads, family, boyfriends, bestfriends, enemies, little ones, secrets and life. We literally talked about anything under the sun! We talked for hours like we’ve never talked to each other for years. Haha. 

I can’t blame any of us why this happened. We rarely see each other. Actually, we’ve never seen each other for months. We sometimes exchange texts, calls, personal messages, or FB wall posts. But I tell you, it was very rare.

That’s why I was too overwhelmed to write a blog. I really missed her. She has been (one of) my bestfriend(s) ever since we entered college. And like what everyone says, hindi kami mapaghiwalay – kahit sa anong bagay. 

It’s like we’re born to be the best of friends. No, sisters. Even my family sees that. And now I’m missing it – us being together. A lot has changed now, I know. None of us can control that. But if I could go back to the old times – whether this would mean a lot of fights and misunderstanding, I would. Yes, this may be a drama for some of you (OA, you may think), but not to me. I’m serious. I’m missing her, our other bestfriends and the old times. And automatically, the bar and the originals are part of the “missing”. I miss my old life and I wish I could get it back!

Now that we’re older enough, I won’t say there would be no time for gala. Of course, there will be, still! But I know, most of our time [when we meet again] will be spent on intimate talks, reminiscing and good laughs over some good food. And I’m definitely looking forward to it! 🙂

***

I missed that and I missed you, Minami! 🙂 BIGTIME!!! I love you! Can’t wait to see you soon. :*

(n.) books

Posted: July 10, 2012 in Random
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For those who do not read: It’s a total waste of money and a waste of time.

For me? It’s a treasure.

***

I don’t give a damn about what you think!

You don’t have a say to anything at all. It’s my life, not yours.

You don’t have the right to dictate me with what I want to do with my money because basically, it’s not your money I’m spending and CLEARLY it’s none of your business. Back off!

KTHXBYE. (c)

Thoughts…

Posted: July 10, 2012 in Random
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I have to say this.

He’s one of the nicest persons I’ve met. SRSLY. He may be what other think of who he is, but deep down, he’s very concerned to anyone he cares for – even if it could mean a competition.

I’ve seen it already when we’re together during college. Some of my friends and I talked about it. Nakakatuwa. 🙂

I’m still praying for him. I owe him a lot. I wouldn’t be able to answer some of the questions or prepare for them if he hasn’t given me any tips.

Oh, Lord. Please, tawagan sana siya. I know he wants this and deserves this, too. (c)